 Understanding Your Emotional Patterns So You Can Connect More Deeply—Together
Ever wonder why you react the way you do in relationships? Maybe you shut down when things get tense. Maybe you overthink every text or feel panicked when your partner pulls away. Or maybe you find yourself swinging between needing closeness and fearing it. These patterns aren’t random—they’re rooted in something called attachment styles. At Couples-EFT.com, we help couples across Arizona, California, Colorado, Maryland, Nevada, and Virginia understand how their unique attachment styles shape their relationship dynamics. And we use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help you move from reaction to connection—so you don’t stay stuck in the same old patterns. Understanding the “Pursuer-Withdrawer” Dynamic in Relationships—and How EFT Helps Break the Cycle If you’re the one who always wants to talk things through, you’ve probably asked:
“Why won’t he open up to me?” And if you’re the one who feels overwhelmed when emotions run high, you might have wondered: “Why can’t she just let it go?” These aren’t just personality quirks. This push-pull tension—one partner pressing for closeness while the other pulls away—is a common and painful relationship pattern. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we call it the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic. And it’s one of the most frequent reasons couples seek help. At Couples-EFT.com, we help partners across Arizona, California, Maryland, Nevada, Colorado, and Virginia understand this pattern and shift it using the evidence-based tools of EFT. Whether you're meeting us online from a bustling city or a quiet corner of Sedona, this work is about creating safety, connection, and healing—together. And How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Helps You Rebuild It—Together You love each other. You’re trying to make it work. But lately, it feels like you’re walking on eggshells—guarding your words, bracing for reactions, avoiding certain topics just to keep the peace. You’re physically present, but emotionally distant.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. At Couples-EFT.com, we often hear from partners who say things like:
What’s often missing in these relationships isn’t love—it’s emotional safety. What Is Emotional Safety in a Relationship? Emotional safety means you feel secure enough with your partner to express your true thoughts, needs, and feelings—without fear of being dismissed, attacked, or abandoned. It’s the unspoken foundation that allows vulnerability, intimacy, and trust to grow.  You’re arguing about the dishes again—or was it the thermostat, or how they looked at their phone during dinner? It always starts small, but somehow you both end up feeling hurt, misunderstood, or completely shut down. If you’ve ever thought, “We keep fighting about nothing,” you’re not alone—and you’re not actually fighting about nothing.
At Couples-EFT.com, we help couples across Arizona, Maryland, California, Nevada, Colorado, and Virginia untangle these recurring patterns using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—a research-backed approach designed to strengthen the emotional bond between partners. And while our therapy is fully online, our approach is grounded in the calm, connected energy that Sedona is known for. The Real Reason You Keep Having the Same Argument Most couples don’t come to therapy because of one “big” issue. They come because of a pattern—the same fight that keeps showing up in different disguises. One person pulls away, the other pushes harder. Tension rises. No one feels heard. Everyone feels alone. EFT calls this the negative cycle, and it’s not about the dishes or the phone. These fights are really about:
When couples fight over “nothing,” what they’re often trying to say is: “Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Are you there for me? What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)? Emotionally Focused Therapy is a structured, evidence-based model developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. EFT helps couples understand their conflict patterns, access underlying emotions, and rebuild trust and emotional safety. Unlike traditional talk therapy, EFT isn’t just about communication tips. It helps you get underneath the surface issues so you can actually shift the way you relate to each other. What we thought we knew about addiction is not quite right as evidenced by the research indicated in this amazing video by Johann Hari, as he shares how imperative attachment is for recovery. Here is another informative, yet brief video entitled ‘Rat Park’ to help you better understand the power of connection when it comes to recovery from addiction and what drives that. Give a listen to Sam Tieleman’s presentation on Sexual Intimacy as it relates to addiction, in this case drinking, with a live couple who was willing to share their process to better understand what a couple therapy session sounds utilizing EFT. Looking at attachment as it relates to addiction is a revolutionary concept that changes the way we see and treat addiction. On this link JimThomas, LMFT from Colorado shares his expertise regarding shame and recovery as it relates to healing from substances. If you want only his presentation, start at minute 14. In this The Couch PodCast with Michael Barnett LCP from Atlanta, Michael shares his experience working with couples struggling with addiction by utilizing the power of Emotionally Focused Therapy compared to other forms of therapy in order to better help partners heal from substance issues. EFT for couples is divided into three stages. Steps 1 through 4 of Stage 1 constitute the “Assessment and Cycle De-escalation” stage. The second stage is “Changing Interaction Patterns and Creating New Bonds” and consists of steps 5, 6, and 7. The final two steps make up a stage called “Consolidation and Integration.”
STAGE 1: ASSESSMENT AND CYCLE DE-ESCALATION 1. Assessment and Alliance: Assessment starts and continues throughout the process which includes a relationship history. It also includes Identify primary issues of concern such as conflict issues and how these issues create core conflicts or blocks that serve to separate and disconnect the partners. 2. Identify negative interactional patterns in the relationship that occur on a day-to-day basis. Work with your therapist to trace past patterns and map them out (unless infidelity is an issue). 3. Begin to recognize how behaviors are connected to surface or reactive emotions, that mask deeper emotions and how they impact each partner and create a negative interactional response. Deeper emotions that were previously not shared are touched upon in order for each partner to start to understand one another in a different way as safety is being built which begins to slow down the cycle. 4. With the help of the therapist, partners are helped to reframe their behaviors in the cycle in order to realize, not only how they have been fueling the cycle, but that they are able to see how their reaches toward or away from one another are positive. STAGE 2: CHANGING INTERACTIONAL POSITIONS AND CREATING NEW BONDING EVENTS 5. Partners are safely helped to share their deeper emotions and disowned attachment needs with the significant other in a ways that had been previously hidden from the partner and themselves. This stage of the therapy happens once the negative cycles have begun to remit and are replaced with more calm. 6. The listening partner is able to more empathically attune and accept the other partner’s deeper core emotions with compassion. There may be times when new emotions not previously heard may take the partner by surprise and require deeper and further processing. 7. The EFT therapist guides you to express your attachment needs and longings, including your fears while feeling supported by the partner. The couple continues on the path working more deeply and listening with acceptance and empathy. This is about being ‘with’ each other as each is more accessible, responsive and engaged. STAGE 3: CONSOLIDATION/ INTEGRATION 8. Continue to build on ways to apply new yet, deeply held emotions with the ability to be ‘with’ each other emotionally and empathically in order to process old problems and areas of concern. 9. Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment by blending all the newly developing skills with the awareness of closeness and deeper bonds. Begin to work together by processing future plans and how connection can be different in the future. Celebrate each partners amazing efforts and the beautiful risks that have been taken. |